Lost without you!

RIP MY LOVE

I’m so lost right now..I will never understand why this has happened to us, our children and family, I’m numb & devastated and I don’t know what to think or do or what to say to people. People are saying that I’m being so strong, but I don’t see how I’m being strong , when I’m pretending your outta town, (I know your not but it’s easier to pretend you are), when I’m hiding my emotions except all the anger I have inside my broken heart. We didn’t deserve this, it’s so not fair! We have came so far to get where we were, you had worked so hard to get us here, to be someone your kids & I would be proud of, to make your family proud. We already were proud of you!

You were so close to your dream, All you were waiting for was the papers to come in the mail, saying you could take your master’s test..I kept telling you to study, even though I knew you didn’t need to, I knew you would Ace it. I was so nervous about you getting your Master’s because I knew what was coming soon after, you quitting your job and starting your own company, so many people told me how hard it was going to be for you and us, and there was so much that came along with having your own company, I would have never stood in your way , you would always tell me not to worry, you got this. I believed you, but couldn’t help but to worry. That’s what I do. I worried about everything , and I’m sure it will just intensify now. You wanted so badly to have your own company, MHB Heating & Air , You and Matt came up with that name. You two were going to be partners along with Aaron and you already had clients and a few of your good friends to work for you. All they were waiting on was the dang papers to come so you could take the test. They all believed in you..eventually you would teach your boys Jaden & Will all about HVAC and they would work for you, & I would handle all the billing and office work. You didn’t think your girls would want to work for Dad. but you would of had jobs for them if they wanted them. This was your dream, I’m so sorry you didn’t get to achieve it. People are saying God needed you, well I needed you, your kids needed you, your family needed you, I am not sure what would be more important than us..But I’m sure whatever it is he had planned for you up there, It has to be really important and I’m sure your perfecting it, just like you did everything.

I’m so grateful that I got the 10 years I had with you, and that you gave me 2 beautiful children. I wish so badly that I would of gotten to grow old with you like we had planned, we were going to buy an RV and travel all over the place. I really don’t know what I’m going to do without you. I would do anything to have you back. ANYTHING!

10 years ago , you changed my life, we changed each others lives..We made ourselves better people. We grew up & matured as young adults together. I was barely 18 and you were barely 20 when we met , we were young and dumb and had a lot of fun! I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my true love and there is no doubt in my mind that I was yours, because you told me all the time, We would get in silly arguments about who loved who more lol..of course you always won because you would keep saying no I love you more , until something would catch my attention and you would say..see I told ya I loved ya more. You always had to win , never gave a girl a break and lose on purpose. That was just part of who you were, I had to earn my win, just like you always earned your wins.

We didn’t deserve this! The kids miss you so much. My heart hurts so much for them, Will wakes up almost every night and comes in the bedroom, like he always did and the first few nights he crawled in bed with me, but this past week he just came in hugged me and told me he misses you, he told me he was going to be a big boy for daddy because he is the man of the house now and is going to sleep in his own bed. Our baby is being so strong. I’m so scared he will grow up to fast and will try to take too much on his little shoulders. I am going to try my best to make sure he doesn’t grow up so fast. and Kamryn, our baby girl has turned into the little comedian, I’m pretty sure she gets this from you, I am usually the serious one. I gave her , her b-day present early, We had talked about getting her a hamster for her b-day, so I went ahead and got it, She named it Wu-Wu after you. She told me last night that she didn’t want me going to school or work. She is afraid I won’t come home, that she will come home from school and she will be alone.  This is so hard, I hate this! I hate that my babies are hurting and there is nothing I can do to stop it!

I’m so sorry this happened to you/US! I love you with all my heart and soul, always and forever! I will never let your memories go, I promise you I will make sure that your kids will never forget what an awesome person you were and how many people loved you! I will do my best to keep the 4 kids in each others lives, I can only do so much with that though, It’s really not up to me, I knew what your wishes were for our kids, and I will honor them. I am going to do my best to raise our babies , the way we had talked about and had been raising them. And I will make sure they know all of our family!

I’ve always said Life isn’t fair..It is what it is..but damn this is just plain cruel..I wish I knew what happened in that stupid van, and what you were thinking and doing, I don’t believe you just sat still as the van went off the road. Even though I want you here with me, I am so grateful you didn’t feel any pain and didn’t suffer. I have so many questions, that more than likely will never get answered..But  I will be in that court room when the time comes, and I will find out whatever I can, to try to understand why.. I’m sure I will never get all the answers but maybe whatever I do find out will help me get through this , I doubt it though..hopefully it doesn’t make me angrier..But I will make him face me!

Venting

My Life has been turned upside down! I don’t know what to think or do. I’m completely numb on the inside. There is so much anger running threw me, not at you of course, But at other people. It makes me so sick to my stomach that people are acting like they had some great friendship/relationship with you, that you & I and your family & real friends know to not be true. It’s a smack in the face to those of us who truly  loved you, and valued your life and you as a person, like myself, your mother , your sisters, family members and your closes friends, that you shared your thoughts and feeling with. WE ALL KNOW THE TRUTH! I will never understand why they are trying to make this about them and not those who matter. I understand that maybe they are grieving too and wish they had that perfect friendship/relationship with you. But you ended those relationship a long time ago and you had your reasons for doing so, I know why you did and your family & real friends knew why you did. You were never the type of person to hold a grudge but you didn’t tolerate being treated like crap over and over again and cut all ties with these people and only dealt with some of them because you had no choice. I am trying my best to do things the way you would have and would want me to, but you knew me better than anyone so you know how hard this is for me to sit back read this BS and keep my mouth shut! This is the only way I know that I can let it out without getting nasty with people. So here it is..Get a life, move on, stop trying to make My Husbands death out to be an attention getter for yourself, and come to terms with the facts , which are… since your obviously in denial about your relationship with him, which was none, if anything it was because he had no choice but to keep you people in his life.

Happy Birthday lovebug

A little late but better late than never!

Happy 6th Birthday Kamryn!  I hope you had a great birthday and got everything you asked for!

I am so blessed to have such a beautiful, healthy, smart, outgoing, artistic, sweet daughter.  Our family would not be complete with out you. You brighten up my world more than you will ever know! You are my miracle baby, My Pride & Joy! I love you!

Thanks to everyone who acknowledged Kamryn’s birthday by either sending a card, calling, sending a present, or sharing her special day with her! It’s nice to know that she has family & friends who love , care and think of her like Mike & I do.

Family

Family is the essence that helps define our very identity, it shapes who we are; what we are to become; how we hand down our beliefs to our children. They follow our lead as how to react and act to our family members.

Family means believing , loving, and supporting each other through bad times and through prospariety.

Devotion–Sharing–love–laughter–carring–crying–warmth–smiles–memories:

these emotions shape up our very exsistence. The family unit is forever being torn apart by events and emotions. How very sad that families can be broke apart by misunderstandings.

If families are not worth your fighting for to keep intact—is your life worth more with out your family?

Think about it.

I got this from my Mother In Law.  I decided to post it because well I liked it and want to share it with my family and whoever else reads my blog.

Summer 2009 recap

We had a really great summer this year .. We spent alot of time with all the kids and got a few days/nights in for ourselves. I would have to say it has been one of the best summers we’ve had in a while.  We went to alot of bbq’s , went to the beach & my moms pool alot this summer we took the kids (Maia & Jaden) places they hadn’t been like to the Cove  & Coco’s ..They loved both places. Maia said that she really like the cove because she could go out really far and It still not be that deep. I really enjoyed having Maia & Jaden here every other week this summer. Maia liked staying over alot while Jaden wanted his momma.. He is a mommas boy thats for sure.  Maia liked staying & spending time with her dad & me after the kids went to bed..she got spoiled by daddy. witch was nice..she deserves it.  

In July we didn’t do much, For the 4th we went over Adam & Meghan’s for a bbq & set off fireworks ..Will does NOT like the fireworks..never has but this year he let everyone know how much he dislikes the noise. It was a good time besides Will tripping over having to sit and watch the fireworks.  I had a girls night out ..the first in a really, really long time while Mike had a guys night.. It was great..Me & 2 of my friends went out to Seacrets & had a good time we ran into some old friends from school & met some new friends ..We went out to Denny’s afterwards with some friends .. I didn’t get home until 5am ..I hadn’t stayed out that long since before I had kids and usually Mike was with me..When I got home Mike & his buddy Aaron were sitting on the steps talking ..We sat out there watched the sunrise talking and laughing about what we had done that night. 

We started August off by going to Six Flags with my SIL Christina & her hubby for her birthday.. She didn’t know what we had planned for her..not until we got on the road that leads into Six Flags. All she knew was we were going outta town. It was a nice surprise for her. We knew she’d love going to the Amusement Park without kids. We had a blast.  Christina’s & My favorite was the Joker.  I’ll never ride the Superman again. I  do not like my butt leaving the seat and Im pretty sure it left the seat at least 4 or 5 times. Im petite and always feel like the harnesses aren’t tight enough.. makes me feel like I could slip right out ..Im pretty sure I wouldn’t but still makes me nervous. lol.  Most people who know me know Im terrified of big bridges like the Bay Bridge.. so when we were going over it the first time they knew I wasn’t happy about construction going on, on the bridge.  And all the traffic didn’t help. I figured on the way back since it was late there wouldn’t be so much traffic… I was wrong. so much traffic that the one lane that was open came to a complete stop at the peak of the bridge …I was tripping on the inside. I could feel my chest getting tight..and Mike & Rob didn’t help by thinking it was funny that we came to a complete stop at the peak and could feel the bridge swaying back and forth..not cool!! We were only up there for 5-10 mins but to me it feel like an hour!  We ended the month with a Family BBQ at my Aunts and Family I hadn’t seen in a year or two came .. It was really nice seeing them. Ive missed them. 

Sept started off with another bbq at my moms some friends & family came..it was raining when I woke up but luckily stopped in time for the bbq.   The kids got in the pool for the last time of the year.. It was to chilly for me to get in.  Kamryn started Kindergarden & Will started Pre-k .. that was an adventure all in its self. My boy is a Mommas boy and at the beginning of the summer had started flipping out everytime I tried to leave without him. Even if I was going to the store it was a fight to get out the door.. He would scream & kick and try to get out of the house with me.. holding on to my legs and all. I had to start  getting Mike to hold him down so I could get out. It was a mess..so when school started I knew it was going to a fight. I warned the teacher..I told her that he would flip out and I would have to put him down and run out the door and for her to make sure she was by the door to shut it behind me because he would come running out. and he did. The first day alot of parents were in there and he was doing great put his bookbag up and sat at a table with no problems and then I tried to sneak out and there were some parents in the way and Will caught me and it was all she wrote. He started flipping out ran out the door I had to catch him wait for the parents to leave put him down in a chair and made a  dash for the door I could hear him crying all the way outside ..poor guy..His teacher told me that he crawled under his table and cried for 2 mins and once the class left with the assistance teacher  Mrs Rusch , Will finally came out from under the table and walked to lunch with Ms. S . The Next day was even funnier lol.. He started kicking and screaming before we even got in the school. I got him in the classroom and was helping him take his folder out of his bookbag and he made a dash for the door ..took off running down the hallway I had to run after him..While I was chasing him Kamryn’s class which is two doors down from Will’s was coming out of the classroom heading to lunch and I heard a little voice say hehehe thats my little brother trying to escape…I turned around and Kamryn was standing there with her new little friends laughing…I have to admit it was pretty funny now that I look back on it.. even though it broke my heart knowing he was scared & upset.  He does great now though..well he has his moments but Ms. S says as soon as she walks in the classroom he’s fine.   She says that Will is very smart (witch I already knew 😉 ) and that he is complete opposite of Kamryn.. again I already knew.. She says that I prob wont ever have any problems with him talking in class. because everytime a kid tries to talk to him..he cuts his eyes at them and let them know not to mess with him. She says he is more focused than Kamryn. Witch is kinda surprising because when I was working with Kamryn before she started school I never had any problems and with Will he wouldn’t do any of it. He wouldn’t say his abc’s his name birthdate nothing.. I thought for sure I was going to have problems with him in school.  So far both of the kids are doing awesome in school and hopefully it stays that way. 

My brother is getting married Oct 10th and thats been stressful for me anyway..I don’t think its been that stressful for Lauren …She will def. be having her dream wedding down to every detail.  Me & both the little kids are in the wedding… They will be the only kids other than Kresen that will be there. It’s a no kids wedding and NO kids at the reception. I can’t see Will walking down in front of 200+ people. He didn’t want to walk down at my moms wedding and there was maybe 40-50 people there..all of which he knows and has been around his whole life.  Should be fun. 

My little sister is pregnant..Its a total mess! She’s having a girl. She is due in mid Jan.  I hope and Pray that everything goes well and that she grows up the moment the child is born..if not than it will be a bigger mess than it already is. for my niece’s sake I hope everything works out for the best.

Halloween is coming ..its one of my favorite times of the year .. We already got the kids costumes..well I’m not so sure about Will’s. I plan on taking them to Trappe Pond before halloween for some fun.. maybe I’ll be able to take Maia & Jaden too..depends on when it is.  I’m sure the older 3 will love it.. Will idk about lol.

Thanksgiving & Christmas are right around the corner and Im so not prepare..which is nothing new but Its a  very stressful time of the year with Kamryns birthday & buying for 4 kids and trying to fit some family presents in too . Is  stressful.  I already have one big present for the kids lined up..They are going to love it!   I love watching the kids faces when they open their presents ..just dont love all the running around & stress of spending money while trying to pay all the bills on time too.. ugh. that is the part I hate most.

Ill post pics from the summer later. Before I take the computer apart & ship it off to be fixed.

Memory Lane

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Mike @ the beach

I posted this pic because it looks so much like Will

Memory Lane Monday

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Poppop Smitty helping Kamryn dress her bear for the tea party. 

RIP SMITTY