RIP MY LOVE
I’m so lost right now..I will never understand why this has happened to us, our children and family, I’m numb & devastated and I don’t know what to think or do or what to say to people. People are saying that I’m being so strong, but I don’t see how I’m being strong , when I’m pretending your outta town, (I know your not but it’s easier to pretend you are), when I’m hiding my emotions except all the anger I have inside my broken heart. We didn’t deserve this, it’s so not fair! We have came so far to get where we were, you had worked so hard to get us here, to be someone your kids & I would be proud of, to make your family proud. We already were proud of you!
You were so close to your dream, All you were waiting for was the papers to come in the mail, saying you could take your master’s test..I kept telling you to study, even though I knew you didn’t need to, I knew you would Ace it. I was so nervous about you getting your Master’s because I knew what was coming soon after, you quitting your job and starting your own company, so many people told me how hard it was going to be for you and us, and there was so much that came along with having your own company, I would have never stood in your way , you would always tell me not to worry, you got this. I believed you, but couldn’t help but to worry. That’s what I do. I worried about everything , and I’m sure it will just intensify now. You wanted so badly to have your own company, MHB Heating & Air , You and Matt came up with that name. You two were going to be partners along with Aaron and you already had clients and a few of your good friends to work for you. All they were waiting on was the dang papers to come so you could take the test. They all believed in you..eventually you would teach your boys Jaden & Will all about HVAC and they would work for you, & I would handle all the billing and office work. You didn’t think your girls would want to work for Dad. but you would of had jobs for them if they wanted them. This was your dream, I’m so sorry you didn’t get to achieve it. People are saying God needed you, well I needed you, your kids needed you, your family needed you, I am not sure what would be more important than us..But I’m sure whatever it is he had planned for you up there, It has to be really important and I’m sure your perfecting it, just like you did everything.
I’m so grateful that I got the 10 years I had with you, and that you gave me 2 beautiful children. I wish so badly that I would of gotten to grow old with you like we had planned, we were going to buy an RV and travel all over the place. I really don’t know what I’m going to do without you. I would do anything to have you back. ANYTHING!
10 years ago , you changed my life, we changed each others lives..We made ourselves better people. We grew up & matured as young adults together. I was barely 18 and you were barely 20 when we met , we were young and dumb and had a lot of fun! I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my true love and there is no doubt in my mind that I was yours, because you told me all the time, We would get in silly arguments about who loved who more lol..of course you always won because you would keep saying no I love you more , until something would catch my attention and you would say..see I told ya I loved ya more. You always had to win , never gave a girl a break and lose on purpose. That was just part of who you were, I had to earn my win, just like you always earned your wins.
We didn’t deserve this! The kids miss you so much. My heart hurts so much for them, Will wakes up almost every night and comes in the bedroom, like he always did and the first few nights he crawled in bed with me, but this past week he just came in hugged me and told me he misses you, he told me he was going to be a big boy for daddy because he is the man of the house now and is going to sleep in his own bed. Our baby is being so strong. I’m so scared he will grow up to fast and will try to take too much on his little shoulders. I am going to try my best to make sure he doesn’t grow up so fast. and Kamryn, our baby girl has turned into the little comedian, I’m pretty sure she gets this from you, I am usually the serious one. I gave her , her b-day present early, We had talked about getting her a hamster for her b-day, so I went ahead and got it, She named it Wu-Wu after you. She told me last night that she didn’t want me going to school or work. She is afraid I won’t come home, that she will come home from school and she will be alone. This is so hard, I hate this! I hate that my babies are hurting and there is nothing I can do to stop it!
I’m so sorry this happened to you/US! I love you with all my heart and soul, always and forever! I will never let your memories go, I promise you I will make sure that your kids will never forget what an awesome person you were and how many people loved you! I will do my best to keep the 4 kids in each others lives, I can only do so much with that though, It’s really not up to me, I knew what your wishes were for our kids, and I will honor them. I am going to do my best to raise our babies , the way we had talked about and had been raising them. And I will make sure they know all of our family!
I’ve always said Life isn’t fair..It is what it is..but damn this is just plain cruel..I wish I knew what happened in that stupid van, and what you were thinking and doing, I don’t believe you just sat still as the van went off the road. Even though I want you here with me, I am so grateful you didn’t feel any pain and didn’t suffer. I have so many questions, that more than likely will never get answered..But I will be in that court room when the time comes, and I will find out whatever I can, to try to understand why.. I’m sure I will never get all the answers but maybe whatever I do find out will help me get through this , I doubt it though..hopefully it doesn’t make me angrier..But I will make him face me!